Since I've felt like writing. For a while, my mood has not been very good, primarily because of Blake's death, but also because of hormones (Clomid Hell!!!). Between Clomid and Blake, my weight skyrocketed over the last month and that never helps the ole frame of mind...I weigh 15 pounds more than when I was 9 months pregnant with Thomas and 15 pounds more than I've ever weighed in my life!
But I'm trying to get back on the upswing. I am feeling more at peace about Blake, or at least accepting it. I have gotten a little better perspective on not getting pregnant and am ready to focus on the next step - which is doing whatever it takes to lose some weight. I signed up for a fitness class at school. You have to spend 3 hours/week at the fitness center, which isn't too bad at all, except that I didn't sign up until 3 weeks into the semester and then I took a week vacation when Thomas and I went to Florida. So that left me with a 15.5 hour deficit by the beginning of this week. So I've been spending a couple of hours a day exercising after my classes. I had to drop my Microbiology class - I just missed too many classes with the vacation and a bunch of appointments I had last month, but I'm glad because it's freed up quite a bit of time now. Time that can be spent at the gym working out and trying to get my body back in shape for a pregnancy. I think that the biggest obstacle at this point to my getting pregnant is probably all the extra weight I am carrying. I was pretty chunky when I got pregnant with Thomas, but still at least 40-50 pounds smaller than I am now. Anyway, I think the exercising will help. I am also doing my Mom's thing of logging my calories every day. It's a struggle, but I've got to do this. I got really discouraged by after a discussion with Emmett's Mom about how her coworker could theoretically do 1 hour of stair-climbing and only burn 130 calories (?!?!) and felt very hopeless about the whole thing. But after a calming period, I realized that with that particular number I think someone mixed up their math a little bit. I looked at all kinds of academic web sites and all over the internet and couldn't find a single source to document that that much exercise would burn so few calories. Even if it were true, I need to realize that Emmett's Mom and I, while we share a common struggle with weighing what we want to weigh, we are coming from a VERY different place. She is used to weighing 95 pounds and I come from a family of midwestern farm girls who feel absolutely sexy and wonderful at 150. 150 is not necessarily considered a "healthy" weight for me at 5'4", but I'll take it. It's only slightly overweight and I am fortunate to have been blessed with a body type that aesthetically speaking looks pretty good at 150 (all butt and boobs) (I have always wondered, in hanging out with Emmett's Mom and his tiny sisters, and he is so slender himself, where he got his attraction to huskier girls - I guess it's not always true that guys like women who are of the same body type as their mother and/or sisters, but I still find a bit bizarre that most of Emmett's girlfriends have been, let's say, on the robust side. His favorite celebrity crush in Beyonce - in her bigger days. But alas, I digress...) If your
goal weight is 150, your perspective on diet and exercise changes a lot. First, you can eat more calories per day than if you weigh 100 lbs, and also, I would imagine, burn more calories when you are working out. I know that I'm going to have to work out a lot more than I did when I was younger to have that body, and I'm going to have to eat less (and stop the stress eating!!!), but I still feel like I can get there. I am logging my diet and exercise on
http://www.sparkpeople.com and it is pretty consistent with what the machines and fitness trainer tell me. The calories, while they add up quicker than I'd like, seem to coincide with what I think they are, too. So I'm feeling pretty confident that I'll be able to make some progress.
I finished one of my applications for graduate school. Now I'll just have to wait and see if I get laughed at or if I will at least get an interview. Please say a little prayer for me - it would be so fantastic to get into my first choice school. If not, then we will be on to plan B.
Thomas is doing well in kindergarten. I am finally getting to be okay with it - for the first month I got choked up when he went into his classroom, looking all grown up in his school uniform with his backpack on. The only problem that we are having is that since I don't speak Spanish it is very hard for me (already!) to help him with his homework. I am going to have to get the Spanish dictionary out and keep it handy so that I can be more helpful. The first round of homework I couldn't even read the instructions, so I had no idea what to tell him to do. I used some online translater that I found and got through it, but it is definitely a challenge and will only get to be more so as time goes on. Overall, though, he seems to really like school and that's the most important thing to me - that he develop a passion for learning.
Emmett has been such a trooper with my recent mood swings - I have been short-tempered and depressed a lot and he's been so kind and supportive through it. I feel so fortunate to have such a kind-hearted husband. :-)
I'll write a couple of Thomas stories later, but for now, I better get back to work.
Love,
Melissa
