I think I got spoiled this summer by not going to school, because I'm having a bit of a tough time buckling down again. I'm tired of being busy all the time, I want more time to relax. Life is so short and the time just flies by...it scares me sometimes. Maybe in part because of Blake's death and maybe also influenced by this movie I saw last night, Premonition. It was such a sad and kind of depressing movie that reminds you how short life really is.
I haven't felt much like writing the last couple of weeks...I am still working through my grief about Blake and only now starting to make peace with it and try to move forward. I don't want to write blog after blog about how hard this has been and how painful, but I've never lost someone that I was so close to and then dealing with the inevitable feelings that it didn't have to happen, what a waste, etc. etc., what could I have said or done differently that might have made some kind of difference, I don't know...sometimes I need to talk about it and sometimes I don't want to at all...as I said, I don't want to write blog after blog about how much this hurts, but I don't want to write blog after blog that doesn't mention it, when it is so present in my life right now. I need to call Blake's ex-wife and check on her...she has an even bigger burden than I do and I hope she is getting through this intact. I get through every day as normally as possible, but it's this ever-present thorn in my side that stings from time to time during the day...it's always there right now.
We went to the state fair on Monday, which was fun...but not as fun as it could have been. It started with Emmett and I getting into a ridiculous fight about nothing because we both skipped breakfast trying to get on the road. It's rare these days for us to fight much, but we really let something small escalate this time...we made up by the time we crossed the Richmond bridge (Bay Bridge was closed this weekend, so we had to go up the
GG bridge and over the Richmond Bridge to get on 80 to Sac), but combined with it taking us almost 3 1/2 hours to get on the road, it sort of left us both feeling tired. And me with my
Clomid emotions definitely doesn't help.
Rides were egregiously expensive and we paid $7 for a corn dog (okay, okay it was a jumbo, but still...). It was nice walking around and riding a few rides - Emmett and Desmond rode this ride that looked absolutely awesome, like a free fall thingy...but it cost $7.50/person to ride it, so I opted not to do it this time. We spent $12 for the three of us to go on a log ride thing...did I mention that it was crazy expensive? - but the log ride was worth every cent, it was 98 degrees in Sacramento. At least we managed to get a coupon from some kind soul for buy one admission, get one admission free...so it only cost $16 to get in for the three of us. Of course, Emmett promised Thomas they could go to the Raging Waters section, so that was an additional $20. I was also bummed because we missed the last cow milking...the children's dairy had a show where the kids could go and milk the cow - I thought Thomas would get a real kick out of it, but they didn't have all the shows because it was the last day of the fair.
Wow, I'm making this sound like a real bummer, but it wasn't all bad. It was a lot of fun to be in the warm summer weather, it was cool to people watch. Des and I walked around and looked at the cool, crazy huge longhorns and I had a really fun interaction with this llama who was so enjoying my scratching it's neck. Of course, Thomas so enjoys the rides so we went on several rides. But I have to admit the highlight might have been the deep-fried
Oreos. At the end of the day, Des and I bought the deep-fried
Oreos and the deep-fried
Twinkie and split each of them. The
Twinkie was kind of yucky and I don't need to eat that again...but the
Oreos...I don't like the cookies all that much, but when they are battered and fried, they are quite yummy, I must confess. Ugh. Emmett had chicken strips (mediocre) and fried avocado with pesto which was not bad...but I'll take the deep fried
Oreos any day. I didn't try the deep fried Coke - I think I'll save that for next year
haha.
Emmett left yesterday on a business trip so Thomas and I are on our own this week. It's tough without him here, Thomas was almost late to school this morning because I am so bad at the morning routine. I almost forgot to make his lunch and we got out the apartment door before he reminded me that he didn't have any shoes on. I am SO not cut out for this. One thing about parenting - it has definitely forced me to develop skills that I didn't previously have. I am trying so hard to get him to school on time every day. It didn't help that he decided he had to go poop right before we walked out the door so I'm starting to panic that we are going to be late and then I'm getting crabby and starting to yell and he's trying to calm me down (isn't it supposed to be the other way around?) and by the time we get in the car and get the
seat belts on it's 8:11 and the bell rings at 8:25 - it's at least a 15 minute drive, not counting parking and walking. We were still in the car when I heard the bell ring, so I had to drop Thomas off at the curb...but was able to park just outside the drop off zone and run to make sure he was in his class okay (and on time!) before I left.
I did manage yesterday to drop off the car (the overheating problem we've been having for the last 9 months finally got unmanageable) and Thomas and I got on the bus and got to the car rental agency and picked up a Toyota Corolla for me to drive this week while they are fixing the 4Runner. I don't like the Corolla at all, very uncomfortable car - Yuck! - can't wait to get my truck back. I ended up taking Thomas to Fresh Choice for dinner last night, but I'll be cooking the rest of this week. We are so broke it's pathetic. Got to get on top of this and start getting ahead. The repair shop called and the repair is going to be $560 for a new radiator. They wanted to do the water pump (it's got a slow leak) as well and the timing belt, but I had to stop because we simply don't have $1400 laying around right now. At least this will solve the immediate problem and hopefully we can set aside some money in October to do the rest of the work. I really can't complain, this is the first big repair since I bought the car 2 1/2 years ago and it does have 165,000 miles on it.
One last thing and then I better run and do my grocery shopping. Emmett was leaving yesterday and was so unhappy to be leaving and told me he had anxiety about leaving his family - he admitted that he doesn't like to go anywhere that requires a plane ride away from us. For some reason driving somewhere doesn't bother him but flying away from us seems too far. It made me feel so warm inside on one hand and then the other part of me has to chuckle that this is coming from the guy who once complained so much about anyone behaving in a way that seemed "needy" and he's having trouble leaving on a 4 day trip. I guess we have a pretty powerful effect on each other - along with Thomas, of course, who has such a powerful effect on both us. I love Emmett so much. I miss him so much already...but then I was always more prone to "neediness" -
hahaha.
Alright, off to the grocery store. I have my list of ingredients and need to get this done so I can be in class by 2.
Love,
Melissa
