P.S. Potty Training progress

I almost forgot to mention...Tommy went wee-wee in the potty 4x today! And not just a little bit but lots and lots of urine each time! Yay for Tommy! He didn't use his diapers much at all today for wee-wee, although he doesn't seem to be as good with poopy so far. It surprises me because I thought he'd get the poopy thing before the wee-wee, but I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, I'm so happy with the progress and surprised that he's doing so well here in Florida since we are out of his usual routine. Strange, but I'm happy that it's going well and grateful to my Mom for putting in the extra effort. Yay for Grandma taking the time and having the patience to work with Tommy's potty training!

Just wanted to add that little note...

Goodnight all,
Love,
Melissa

Mommy and Daddy spend some time alone!

Wow, this trip is going by so fast, just like always. I swear we just hit the ground here and it's almost over. Ugh. And then back to work and the grind. I'll say it again. Ugh.

Anyway, I don't want to make this too long because I need to get to bed. We are going to be visiting my Mom's friends at the surgery center tomorrow, which will be so much fun. I love the way they all ooohh and ahhhh over Tommy. Yes, I'm guilty of the sin of pride. :-) I think that's one that trips up Moms a lot.

We have been having a wonderful time. We did NOTHING on the Friday after Thanksgiving except hang out. I slept late. It was wonderful. On Saturday I went to get Emmett at the airport. I'm as bad as my Mom sometimes, I swear, crying as he walks through the security. I covered it up well, though, and I don't think he noticed haha. We drove back to my parents house and pretty quickly got changed into swimsuits and went to hang out in the jacuzzi with my parents and have some wine. Well, I learned a valuable lesson - be CAREFUL when drinking with my parents! haha They'd probably say the same thing, but, and this is SO WEIRD, all four of us got pretty blitzed. The only one of us who even remembers going to bed is my Mother. It turns out we drank about 61/2 bottles of wine! What were we all thinking!?! The next day we all slept late and some of us were nursing some pretty serious hangovers. But we did have a really good time. On Sunday my parents took us to this cool restaurant called Sea Watch which is on the coast, awesome views and great food. It was kind of funny that none of us wanted a glass of wine, even in that nice restaurant! Emmett, Tommy and I took a little walk along the ocean while we were waiting for our food - Emmett was excited to get to swim in the Atlantic for the first time - well, at least on this side of the Atlantic. We were laughing because I said that his saying that made me want to choke him. I've wanted to go to Europe for so long and him saying that he swam in the Atlantic but it was in France is like rubbing the proverbial salt in the wounds. I'm so envious!

Anyway, I have a habit of digressing...

After the meal (I had lobster, mmmmmm) we drove to this light show in the park which Tommy really seemed to enjoy. You drive along the parkway and there are all these huge Christmas light displays with different themes, animals, etc. Tommy got a kick out of it and even more because he got to sit in his Grandmother's lap in the front seat rather than in his car seat. When we went to leave the park he had a little fit about getting into his car seat, but then realized it wasn't going to work and was okay.

We were all pretty tired on Sunday night so after Emmett and I made sure we had all our plans in place we all went to bed. On Monday morning Emmett and I got up at 7:30 to begin our big outing! My Mom and Jerry planned to take Tommy to the zoo (http://www.thomasnolan.com/photos/florida1104) while Emmett and I were heading out for 2 days and 1 night all by ourselves! YAY! (http://www.thomasnolan.com/photos/emmel1104) We left about 8:30, planning to travel to the Everglades for our first stop. Unfortunately, what should have been about a 2 hour drive ended up being more like 3 because we missed a turn off for the turnpike and ended up taking surface streets through Miami. The only good thing was that we found a Wild Oats (big YAY - like Whole Foods, only bigger) and got some coffee and bagels (with creme fraiche - mmmmm yummy!) and an Adbusters magazine and headed back on our way. We got to the Everglades around 11:00am. The good news was that I was concerned because the area that I wanted to go to was about 38 miles into the park and I didn't know what the speed limits would be, but they turned out to be 55 mph so we were able to do that last part pretty quickly. We stopped at one point just inside the park to get out and stretch our legs. While we were out there Emmett was surprised to get bitten by about 3 mosquitos. It was such a warm and sunny day and so early in the day that that was kind of surprising, but whatever. The area we went to was around the Flamingo visitor's center - the southern part of the park. Once we got there we headed to Eco Pond which was were I'd read that we were most likely to see alligators. We walked up onto this observation deck and while we were standing there we saw this alligator get out of the pond and walk across the trail and plop himself down in the brush next to the trail. We just sort of watched him and then Emmett said to me, "I don't know about that walk". It was pretty funny. Just seeing that alligator crossing the path so nonchalantly was a bit disconcerting, I have to admit. Eventually we talked ourselves into doing the walk and we were glad because it was really pretty, lots of gorgeous birds, we saw a couple of alligators and it was a nice relaxing stroll to take around this pond. It was so quiet out there and we had the place pretty much to ourselves. We did notice, however, that there were tremendous numbers of mosquitos that came in greater and greater numbers the longer we were out there. So we decided to go to the visitors center and check out the gift shop for bug spray.

The gift shop folks were nice and we got the bug spray along with a squeeky toy alligator for Thomas and couple of other things and then headed back out. Before we left the parking lot though Emmett declared that he was hungry and we went to the restaurant there for lunch. I have to admit we were both surprised by how good the restaurant was. The menu was great and the view was positively spectacular. It was on the second floor of the visitors center and looked out across the bay. Our waiter was great and we really enjoyed our meal. I had a grilled mahi sandwich and fries and Emmett had a blackened chicken sandwich and sweet potato fries. After the lunch we headed out to do a 3.2 mile hike on Snake Bight trail. We were told that if there were flamingos in the park that's where we'd find them. Emmett was looking at the time and saying that we wouldn't have time to finish the hike if we were going to get back to South Beach at a reasonable hour, but I was really wanting to get some exercise. We covered ourselves in the bug spray and headed out. I was walking as fast as possible, primarily to cover ground as quickly as possible because I wanted to finish the hike. It turned out to be a good idea because the mosquito population was the most incredible that I've ever seen. In spite of the liberal use of the DEET-based bug spray, the mosquitos continued to bite Emmett. Additionally, they were flying into his nose and mouth and every so often he would be trying to cough them up. It was truly gross. I didn't get any more bites, but every time I swung my arms when we were walking I would hit a bunch of them since they were literally swarming around me. It was truly awful. We only made it about a half mile in before Emmett said, "this is not fun. I want to turn around". I had to say that I couldn't blame him a bit. It was freaking me out and I wasn't getting bit or swallowing them. He was getting it much worse. So we turned back and I was bummed to miss out on seeing the flamingos in the wild, but happy to be getting out of that mosquito infested place. Yuck! We were thinking of going back next year, but we may have to rethink what time of year we go because those mosquitos are a real deterrent.

We got in the car and headed back to the Miami area. It didn't take us nearly as long and we got to our hotel at 4pm. It was called the Beacon Hotel and was pretty nice. The location was great, right in the heart of South Beach, across from the beach. It was an art deco hotel, which was cool. Not a lot of amenities, but then we wouldn't have used them, anyway. We went into our room and changed our clothes and decided to walk around for a while, people watch and check out the area (oh yes, and of course I called to check on Thomas who had just gotten back from the zoo and had a wonderful time! When they put him in the car he was sitting in his seat looking lost in thought and then said, "fun zoo! water!" because my Mom stripped off all his clothes and let him play in the fountains at the zoo - which was apparently his favorite part). We went into a couple of shops, but didn't buy anything. I swear if you are bigger than a size 4 it would be hard to find anything appropriate to wear in those shops. It was fun looking at all the cool places though and watching all the different kinds of people. We finally came back to our hotel and decided to have a glass of wine and some appetizers. They had an outdoor seating area so we were able to sit and watch the people walk by. It was so nice and so relaxing. But VERY pricey. We each had a glass of wine, I had a bowl of soup (okay, it was lobster bisque, but it's still just soup!) and Emmett had a SMALL shrimp cocktail (5 very small shrimp) and the bill was $52. Yikes! But, ya know, we were on vacation and that's just so rare that you just shrug it off.

After that we headed upstairs to shower, change our clothes again and go out to dinner. I ended up taking a very nice little nap too. It felt so good to just be able to take a nap when I felt like it! We drove into Miami to Calle Ocho which is where Little Havana is. We went to the restaurant that Tia Loca recommended (my Mom's friend/our family friend - who is from Cuba) which was called Versailles. It was fantastic! The price was right and it was very authentic. In fact, we couldn't get a waiter who spoke English. That was okay, though, because at least the menu was in English and Spanish and we were able to point and fumble our way through it. I had a Cuban sampler, which had one of just about everything and Emmett had a Cuban roasted pork dinner. For appetizers we had empenadas, which I always love. Yummy! We both had Cuban coffee for dessert - that is I swear the very best coffee! So delicious! Very strong but smooth and not at all bitter. I just love it! The whole meal with the coffees cost less than the appetizers we had earlier. Crazy.

After that we had planned to go to some nightclubs and go dancing, but it turns out that Monday is a horrible day to do that. The first one that Emmett had found didn't exist any longer (after being named best new club in April 2004, talk about short-lived!) and the second one was closed. Oh well. We did a lot of walking around. My feet hurt so bad because I injured my left foot somehow on Saturday night and then the sandals I was wearing that night gave me a huge blister on my right foot. Ugh. But I was having too much fun walking and talking with Emmett to notice that night. We finally found a really cool club about 2 blocks from our hotel. It was great! (http://www.mangostropicalcafe.com/index2.htm) Very touristy, but it was fun and that's all that mattered to us. It had a great salsa/latin band and quite a few people dancing and having a good time. They had a bunch of scantily clad waitstaff and this little area on one of the bars that they were using as a stage and they were doing some awesome dancing! Very sexy but not sleazy. They were scantily clad but they left their clothes on and they weren't dancing on a pole but were, for the most part, talented dancers. Also - there were girls and guys which made it even better!! :-) We found a good place to sit at the bar and watch the entertainment and had a couple of umbrella drinks. After an hour or two we headed back to our hotel. It was about 2am by then and it had a been a long day, but filled with lots of fun. It was so nice to be able to go out and do things as adults. What a relief.

This morning we got up late, about 10:30am. After a brief call to again check on Thomas, I managed to get a late check out and we were able to stay at the hotel until 1pm. We got showered and dressed and went to this little Cuban diner for breakfast. I have to say that aside from the always-delicious Cuban coffee, the food at the diner was very mediocre. I had steak and eggs and the "steak" was not what I think of when I think of steak, but it was well-marinated which saved it from being like shoe leather. The hash browns were actually patties that were obviously from a box somewhere. I know I have become a terrible food snob. I guess that I've been living in San Francisco too long haha. It was and interesting place to people watch, though, and the service was fast so we had time to linger over our coffee after we ate, and peruse the Miami Herald newspaper. After breakfast we went back to the hotel and changed for the beach and then checked out. Emmett took our stuff to the car and we headed over to the beach. The weather was so-so. It was at least warm enough to lay on the beach and enjoy it, which is more than you can say for the beaches in San Francisco about 95% of the time. There were a lot of intermittent clouds and it got slightly chilly when the sun was covered, but never so much that we'd be uncomfortable. It was so decadent to just lay in a lounger and let the sun beat down on me and read our magazines and get up and take a dip in the super warm ocean whenever we wanted to. I love my son more than life itself, but sometimes it is nice to be away from him for a while and be able to just relax and just be me and not Tommy's Mommy for a little while. The beach is one of the greatest luxuries because the dangers there make it so that when Tommy is with me I have to be so alert at all times.

After lots of lounging and frolicking in the surf it was time to leave. We rinsed off in the showers and I changed my clothes in the parking garage with Emmett holding up my sarong as a curtain between me and anyone who might come into the garage. We headed back to Calle Ocho and back to Versailles for lunch. This time, though, we got carry out from the window. DELICIOUS Cuban sandwiches on freshly made bread - to die for, with plaintain chips. They also have a bakery of the same name there and the smell was killing me so I went over to check it out and got a few pastries to bring home to my parents.

We drove to Emmett's hotel for his business conference. It's the Hyatt Pier 66. Really nice hotel. Out of our normal price range at >$200 per night, but a cool place to check out. I was surprised it was pretty average overall. The only really cool thing about it was the HUGE swimming pool with a 15 foot waterfall on one part that I was dying to swim under. The water was heated to about 90 degrees, like bath water. They had a HUGE outdoor jacuzzi, too. I have to admit I was a bit envious that he was getting to spend the rest of the week there. Of course I love visiting with my family, but it would be nice to do some more lounging by the pool and get some room service. Unfortunately, Emmett has a company assigned roommate on the trip, so that wasn't a possibility. We got a drink from the poolside bar and sat and talked for a little while longer then I got in the car and we said our goodbyes and I headed back to my parents. It was good to see Tommy and he definitely seemed happy to see me. He LOVED his presents, that alligator from the Everglades gift shop and also a crazy pair of frog sunglasses that I bought him at the Hyatt gift shop. My mother also bought him another set of those miniature animals that he likes so much, so he's been pretty much getting spoiled rotten. I read him Green Eggs and Ham and put him to sleep. My precious boy. One thing about getting away is that it really refreshes you and makes me appreciate my son that much more.

Well, I better head off to bed - I'm exhausted! It's been a long but very refreshing couple of days.

Love,
Melissa

Tommy's Thanksgiving Debut

I wish I could get back to writing on a more regular basis now that I'm feeling a little more normal. There have been many cool family outings to parks and such that I've just not recapped because I can't seem to find the time to write. We went to Bernal Heights to look at an apartment there last weekend and spent some time in Precita Park that was totally fun. I love Bernal Heights - almost as much as Glen Park. If we are going to stay in the city due to work and school, I am going to pray that we find a good place there when the time is right. Both of those neighborhoods are so excellent. Glen Park has a little bit more small town feel to it. Bernal Heights has more cultural diversity (in a good way). Either one would be a such a perfect compromise - a great place to raise children while still living in the city. Of course you pay a premium for that and I know that for $2000 per month we are only going to be able to afford an aparment or flat instead of the house that we have now, but in order to have a 3 bedroom house in a good neighborhood in San Francisco, you better be prepared to fork over about $2500 per month and we just can't afford that right now.

Anyway, I'm digressing. We also had a great outing at Candlestick point a few Sundays back that I never got to recap. I hate to think of losing those precious memories. Weekends are so much fun, I just wish I didn't have to work so many of them.

But I better cut to the chase as they say, because I am totally wiped out after a day of travel and I want to get this down before I fall out. Tommy is having a rough adjustment tonight from all the traveling today, time changes, and different environment, and he is not sleeping well. I'm going to run in and comfort him, I'll be right back...

...he's better for the moment, but I think it's going to be a tough night for him, so I'm going to have to make this as quick as possible.

Yesterday I spent (of course) running around like a chicken without a head trying to get everything done. I was going to try to make Emmett a cake to eat today since he would be spending Thanksgiving alone, but I just ran out of time. I did, however, manage to make a nice dinner in the wok - scallops, snow peas and mushrooms in a ginger butter sauce. It was really yummy - I managed to get the sauce right this time and it wasn't too overpowering with the ginger flavor like last time. It was very good. I got us all packed and then Emmett and I started watching a movie, "In the Name of the Rose", I think it is called. I was sitting there thinking that everytime I pack ahead of time and think that I'm all on top of things is ALWAYS when I forget the most important things. I'm just one of those people that for some reason functions better when I'm running around like a maniac at the last minute. I hate it. This time was no exception.

I got everything ready and we got up at 5:30am this morning to get out the door early so that Thomas and I would make our 8:15am flight with plenty of time to spare. The flight was out of Oakland. We had just crossed the Bay Bridge and were within spitting distance of the airport when we realized we had forgotten the stroller. This would mean having to get Thomas all the way through the airport and through a two hour layover in Atlanta without anyway to control him, even for a few minutes. It was a challenge, but I discovered that it is doable at this point where it was a complete disaster a year ago when I tried it when I went to visit my Grandma in Michigan. He was reasonable and when he wanted to drag his heels I managed to convince him that if he didn't get back up and keep moving he was going to be in BIG trouble and/or get a spanking. We don't spank very often, but I guess often enough that Tommy knows what a spanking is and it seems to be a pretty good deterrent at this point. I felt bad for him at one point. We had gotten through the security checkpoint at Oakland and walked 15 gates to our gate. When I went to board the plane I realized that I had left my passport and boarding pass in the bin at the security checkpoint. I just about came unglued because I knew that anyone could pick those things up and use them. My biggest fear was that they wouldn't get turned in and the security would shut down the whole damn airport to hunt down my stuff so that someone didn't use it to board a plane illegally. That would screw up countless people's Thanksgiving holiday because I got too flustered and upset going through security and didn't manage to get all my sh*t together. Ugh. As it turned out, after practically dragging Tommy back the 15 gates (we were also limited on time), it was reasonably easy to get the stuff back. They had been turned in and I just had to go the Oakland police kiosk and give them my info and we were back in business.

The flight was uneventful. Overall it is so much nicer having Tommy have his own seat. Having that extra space is so wonderful. Also, it is nice that he is so much more interactive that we can read books, sing and just generally interact during the flight to keep him distracted. He slept about an hour, too, so that helped. We only had one episode where he got mad about something and screamed at the absolute top of his lungs. I know every single person on that flight heard him. It woke up about 4 rows of people. I was so embarassed. But I manged to get him to stop with more threats. Ugh.

We got to Atlanta and had plenty of time to kill there, so I took him to Sbarro and got a pizza turnover thing which I thought was a pretty yummy Thanksgiving dinner but Tommy didn't like it too much because it had a TON of pepperoni. Afterwards I decided we would get a special airport Thanksgiving dessert, but I wanted to get to our gate first. We had to ride a train to get to the other terminal. Tommy seemed to like that.

We stopped at what seemed to be a pretty nice place for an airport, something with a French name, Petit something or other and got a slice of Oreo cheesecake, which I was something I thought that Tommy and I could agree on. I really wanted a yummy dessert for the holiday and I knew that if I was eating it, Tommy would insist. That having been said, Tommy doesn't get much sugar and the effect was amazing. His already energetic level soared to new heights. He was running around everywhere and I was working like a maniac to keep up with him and also hold on to our two carry on bags and my purse while we were at the gate for over an hour waiting to board our plane. It was taxing, but I should add that at least he was listening to me when I was getting angry. He did not throw any major tantrums. All in all I considered it a success.

Which brings me to the best part of the story and the real reason that I made the extra effort to write this blog in spite of Tommy's having a rough night and also my being completely exhausted.

I figured that we would be the first to board the plane, being that Tommy is under 5. So as soon as they started making announcements overhead, I collected our things and headed to the gate entrance. The lady who was making the overhead announcement was standing there waiting for the plane to let her know to start boarding people. Apparently she had seen Tommy and I in the hallway because she beckoned to Tommy, wanting him to come over to her. Tommy, being the social butterfly that he is, ran over to her. She picked him up and was holding him on her hip. She said, "I heard you in the hallway singing the ABC's. Can you sing them again right now?" With that she held the microphone up to his mouth. Yes, that's right. The microphone that broadcasts the boarding rows to that entire area of the terminal. Tommy belts it out, the whole song, from start to finish without pause. The kid definitely does not have a fear of audiences. When he finished, "Now I know my ABC's, next time won't you...sing...WITH...ME", there was so much cheering and whistling, it wasn't till that moment that I realized just how many people had heard him. Definitely in the hundreds, since it was a full flight to begin with and everyone was waiting to board. It was absolutely adorable. I can't tell you how many people commented on it. He was like the celebrity of the moment, that's for sure. I was torn between feeling completely embarassed at us being such a spectacle and being so proud of him.

The second flight was uneventful. It was only 1 hour and 15 minutes and Tommy spent most of it drawing with his crayons. He didn't seem to recognize my Mom and Jerry right away, but warmed up to them very quickly. Once we got here to the house he once again has begun obsessing about the cat and also remembered where the toys were, so he does seem to have some recollection.

Well, better run...he is up now and the only way I'm going to get him to sleep I think is to make him a bottle and let him sleep with me. Too much excitement and adventure for one day.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Love,
Melissa

A Ray of Light

Well, I *hope* things are starting to get on a more even keel now. I'm feeling overwhelmed overall with everything that I need to do to get us ready to go next week, but for some reason emotionally I'm starting to feel a little bit of equilibrium after weeks of struggle. It was just like one thing after another - not being able to get hours at work, the election, the car, and, above all else, the death of my coworker which really took a lot of wind out of my sails, I would suppose even more than I would have expected. To be honest, it's painful on two different levels. First, there's the fact that you're not going to see that person again in this lifetime. That simple fact can be so hard to accept. I keep thinking about Rodney's stories and our conversations and it's just so hard to come to terms with the fact that we aren't going to have any more talks on this side. I'm slowly coming to terms with that, but it's just so sad. Then there's the other level where you realize the fragility of life and it scares me so badly. Before Thomas was born I didn't think so much about dying because I was too busy living. But now when I look at him I just want so desperately to see him grow up that I'm suddenly terrified at the thought of dying because of some random thing. When I think about Rodney's 5 year old daughter it just brings that home even stronger. Anyway, at least I'm finally at a point where I can even write this stuff down. For the last few weeks it has been a chore to write and this is the first time in quite a while that I've written just because I wanted to write and not out of obligation.
That all having been said, Emmett seems to be going through a really difficult time. Our financial situation is pretty grim right now and although I still keep hoping that we will be able to dig ourselves out one way or the other, it's hard to deal with the fact that we are in our mid-30's and still don't completely have our act together. I think part of it for him has been turning 35 this year. He's definitely not where he thought he would be at 35. There's nothing I can really say to help him, he's just really down. He came home tonight and didn't say anything at all. He talked a little bit at dinner tonight and he was just feeling so helpless and bleak. It is hard to envision how we are going to both dig ourselves out and also be able to consider buying a house when the housing prices that are already completely insane are just going up up up every day. I mean how are our lives going to change enough to be able to afford a $600K house (the approx. value of our rental) that could be as much as $1 million before Emmett finishes law school. Housing values are insane here. We've talked about moving away, but it's nearly impossible for us to agree on a place to move to. We've talked about Portland, and I'm not averse to the idea, but am concerned that the weather up there will cause my depression to flare up. Emmett is not interested in leaving the west coast again, so that limits us a lot. I still dream about spending summers in the midwest, but at this point that's a total pipe dream. The other thing for me is that even though I know that it would be much easier to move with Emmett and Tommy than it was moving all the way across the country by myself, I still don't relish the idea of starting all over again. It was just so lonely and painful. There's also that fact that we would be so far away from ALL our family. At least right now we are within a reasonable distance from Emmett's parents and even his sister Tash although she's not in SF anymore. We'll see. I guess right now just one day at a time and try to keep digging ourselves out the holes that we made for ourselves both before Thomas was born and then compounded when we both were "employment challenged" after Thomas's birth. There's quite a lot of clean up to do, but I feel optimistic. The real trick is to keep all the basics in place and then handle one additional problem at a time until you get to the bottom of the stack. Maybe that doesn't happen for months or years, but eventually you get there. One day at a time.
Ugh. Enough about all the financial garbage. We'll get through it. I'm still working on compensating for all the missing work time during our vacation. But it's funny how sometimes trying to solve those kinds of problems will lead you into something else. On Tuesday I put Thomas in daycare for the day even though I was home since we're required to put him there 2 days a week. I got to see Olga, the primary caregiver there, and have a little chat with her. That's rare because Emmett does most of the drop off and pick up and if I do get involved it's usually picking him up and by the time I get there she's gone for the day and her assistant is there. So we talked about Thomas going to preschool next year and she is still trying to convince us not to put him in preschool. Since he only goes there two days a week I can't imagine that this is because of losing the income. I do think, and have thought for a while, that she has a special place in her heart for Thomas, so that may be part of it. Her argument was that Thomas should only have one year of preschool instead of two because he is so smart and will be bored and not do well in kindergarten. I thought that was an amusing argument. She is very happy with Thomas's language skills and also gets such a kick out of his singing and dancing. She really cares for him, it's so obvious and that makes me feel good about the time that he spends there. More and more lately he's been asking to "go see Olga" and his "friends". I can't blame him - it hasn't been much fun lately being home with Mom, but it's getting better.
Anyway, I digressed as I am so prone to doing. The point was that I had decided to get serious about starting some auctions to raise some extra cash before the holidays. Having a day off without Thomas seemed like the perfect opportunity for this. Unfortunately, sometimes I think I'm cursed because my computer picked that day to completely freak out. Nothing was working and I couldn't get a single listing up ALL DAY LONG! I was beside myself with anger and frustration. Finally, that night after Thomas went to bed I got the computer working and Emmett and I worked together on taking pictures and starting the auctions. It turned out to really be a lot of fun working together on this! Emmett took the pictures, I edited them and then wrote up the postings, which was pretty easy because once you start one posting you can just repeat most of the text over and over again. Over two nights we managed to get 22 postings up and there are still lots of pictures on the camera for me to pull off and list, so hopefully I can get those done later today and then tonight Emmett and I can work together again and get some more listings done. All in all I think we will have somewhere around 100 listings. It would be great if that generates a little more money for the holidays, but I know it won't be too much because most of the items are only listed for 99 cents. What was really funny, though, was how sentimental Emmett got about selling all of Tommy's baby clothes. He kept questioning me and asking me why I wanted to sell this item or that item or he would come across something and say, "oohhh, why do you want to sell this? I remember dressing him in this..." and he would get all soft. It was adorable. He's so bluntly logical most of the time that it always surprises me just a little bit when his emotional side comes out. At one point I turned around and he was cuddling a red Gap sweatshirt that we used to dress Tommy in a lot. I just burst out laughing - it was so cute and yet so silly! I reminded him that we weren't going to have anymore children for 4+ years so it doesn't make sense to keep much if any of the clothes for that long. It was the first time I've seen him seem sort of regretful about waiting that long to have more children, so that was just a small glimmer of hope that maybe he'll change his mind. I also think he is being influenced by the idea that Thomas is not a baby anymore. He's been commenting about that a lot lately. I think that when you have a baby, for a man it's hard to want to have another one - it's just so much work! But then they become little boys and you miss when they were just babies. I have come around to being pracical enough to realize that we can't have any more children until we get more straightened out financially. We cannot live without my income and the cost of daycare for two children would completely wipe us out. I suppose I could work the evening shift which would mean only a couple of hours of daycare per day, but I'm not so desperate to have another baby that I'm willing to sacrifice our evenings home together as a family.
More good stuff - I got my car fixed! It's running like a dream, I'm so happy. I just hope it continues and that it passes the smog check because I don't have much more money to invest in it. I do need to get the rear brakes done, but the front brakes still have some life so I'm going to stretch it out for awhile so that we can put out some other fires. It's just nice to be driving a car that sounds normal and not like a hoopty. I'm also happy that it only cost $450 - it's a LOT of money, but it could have been worse and the cost of EVERYTHING out here is so incredibly high that you never know what you're going to end up with. This repair started with a $125 diagnostic fee that was NOT applied towards the cost of the repair, just to give an idea. The garage is run by a woman, I like that. She's very vivacious and, I felt, honest. But she's still running a business in SF and has to pay the bills, so maybe next time I need to take my car to the central valley or somewhere where the rents are lower. :-)
Gosh, I just have so much to do before we leave for Florida next Thursday. I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving already! I'm going to have to deal with the broken dryer - who has time for a laundromat and even if I did, how am I going to haul all those clothes there and back - it is SOOO painful to do things like that here in the city because of the parking situation. We were falling behind on the laundry BEFORE the dryer broke - now without having had a dryer for the last 2 or 3 weeks the laundry is threatening to take over our house. We probably have 25 loads of laundry to do. It's sick that we even own that many clothes, and maybe I'm overestimating it, but there sure is a lot of it. I don't know how I would be able to drag it all down the two flights of steps in front of the house and then go to the laundromat and have to park a block away and haul 25 loads of laundry 1 block to the laundromat. THEN turn around and repeat the whole process on the way back. I think before I do that I'll have Emmett take a look at it and if he can't figure it out we should just have someone come out and fix it. It will cost more, but I don't want to deal with the laundromat OR getting a truck to bring another dryer and haul this one away. I'm going to try to call tomorrow and get an estimate, so that will let me know if I'm on the right track or not.
I am still proceeding with Thomas's application for Glenridge Cooperative Nursery school, in spite of what Olga says. I really want to give it a try. If it doesn't work for us, we'll just stop attending, but I'd really like for him to be around some kids his age and older, and even more, I'd like to be able to observe him more in a learning and socializing environment. I need to get that application in before we leave.
I also need to make sure that the Ortiz's can watch after Alex. If not, I will have to hire a petsitter.
I need to go grocery shopping - we are out of food. I cooked the last of it tonight - baked organic chicken breasts, snow peas with fried onions, and borsellini with creamy tomato sauce. It was actually a pretty good dinner and I just kind of threw it together. I'm definitely getting better at doing that - creating meals on the fly and being able to spice them up and add things so that they are tasty. I've also decided that I like baked chicken breasts better than when I simmer them in sauce on the stove. I always overcook them on the stove, whereas when I bake them I seem to get the timing better and they are a LOT juicier. I already had the borsellini - it was from Monterey Pasta Co. and I had wanted to try it out - yummy! Stuffed with 4 cheeses and spinach. Then I took some marinara and dolled it up with a bunch of paremsan cheese and some milk to make it more of a creamy tomato sauce and then sprinkled that over the pasta. It was really good!
Speaking of food-related things - more good news! I have lost 15 lbs.! I'm so excited about it! Usually when my clothes starting fitting better I know I've lost some but I overestimate it and then when I actually get on the scale I find out that I didn't lost that much and I end up disappointed. This time I found out that I'd lost 5 more pounds since my last weigh in! I am so happy! I'm now only 6 pounds away from where I was right after Tommy was born and 18 lbs away from my first pregnancy weigh in. YAY! The other thing is that I'd like to lose 43 more pounds and thats the first time I realized that my goal weight is less than 50 lbs away! 50 pounds always seems like soooo much, but now, for some reason, 43 seems much more attainable. I do need to refocus a bit when I get back from vacation and get back on an actual program. I seem to do better with that than I do with just randomly cutting back. I tried to do the carb thing again, but I started to feel sick so I decided to scrap that idea. I did get back to logging my calories every day, which may end up being the most important thing of all.
Another funny tidbit, and then I'm going to end this incredibly long (and, I must admit, pretty boring) entry. I waxed my upper lip for the first time in 6 years. I'm really trying to do what I can to look good for the the portion of our Florida trip when Emmett and I will be by ourselves. For the past several years I was tan enough that the little bit of fuzz over my upper lip didn't show that much. Well, now that I'm so white again it started to show so I decided to wax it off. I forgot that my skin reacts so violently to that. It looks like I've got some kind of hideous skin disease and would be hilarious if I weren't at work and feel so damn self-conscious. It'll go away in a few days, but has definitely cautioned me against getting too ambitious with any additional waxing. :-)
Well, if there's time I will do some recap and general family catch up. It's about 5:20am and it's been a slow night, thank God, because we just moved our office AGAIN to accomodate the remodel, so everything is in a mess and it would be a real nightmare if it was super busy.
Hope all is well,Love,Melissa

Goodbye Rodney

I thought it would be appropriate to include some excerpts from the newspaper regarding my coworker/acquaintance who died last week.

"Police identify killer, West Marin victim
Forest Knolls man was trying to help relative
By Con Garretson, IJ reporter
The man fatally shot by his brother-in-law in Sebastopol early Thursday morning was a Marin City native, dedicated father and former standout high school athlete who was considered an "ambassador of Forest Knolls."
Authorities yesterday identified Rodney Clint Williams, 48, as the man shot by 62-year-old Kenneth Hugh Duncan before the gunman, who had a history of mental problems, was killed in a barrage of police gunfire on the porch of his home.
Police said Williams' widow, Carol, reported her husband went to Duncan's home after her brother sounded "psychotic" during a telephone call. She said she was on the line when she later heard two popping sounds that apparently were shots fired at Williams.
Duncan, described to police as a survivalist by his sister, was shot multiple times at about 5:40 a.m. after a three-hour standoff with Sonoma County Sheriff's deputies when he walked outside, stood over Williams' body and pointed a revolver toward deputies, police said.
In earlier conversations with authorities, Duncan reportedly said he had just "killed Jesus Christ" and made a reference to "suicide by cop."
Williams had gone to Duncan's house in the past and successfully talked his brother-in-law out of threatened suicide attempts, according to Chloe Cook, who met the former Carol Duncan of San Anselmo at Drake High School. The longtime friends ended up buying houses across the street from one another on Forest Knolls' Tamal Road.
"Carol loved her brother and their kids, even today, say they loved their uncle," Cook said. "He was a part of their daily lives, doing things with them on the weekend. He just snapped. This is the family portrait of mental illness. It doesn't just affect the person who has it but also their entire family."
Williams was the father of two children, a girl, 6, and a 14-year-old son, and was a school volunteer in the Lagunitas School District. He was also involved in the lives of his two adult stepsons, also Marin residents.
Cook said he was well regarded in the tight-knit San Geronimo Valley community. He drank coffee regularly at the Lagunitas Groceries and Delicatessen on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard and was known for his shoulder-length dreadlocks.
"He was an angel," Cook said. "He was the kind of guy that if you were stranded on the side of the road he would pull over, help you get gas or bring you home. He was a great dad. He worked at night and so he was with his kids during the day. He just the neatest guy and was like an ambassador of Forest Knolls."
Williams was a longtime neurological technician at the University of California, San Francisco Medical Center, Cook said. A university spokeswoman said department staff was not available for comment after hours yesterday.
Williams excelled at both track and football at Tamalpais High School and was listed in Who's Who Among American High School Students for 1973-1974.
Former Tam High track coach Bruce Grant said Williams was a member of an athletic family and that his sisters - who, like all of the siblings, also had first names starting with "R" - still hold track records at their common alma mater.
"He was the kind of kid that all coaches loved to have," Adams said. "He was very enthusiastic, at times hyper. I knew him really well at the time and he came back often to visit. Trying to help someone else, like he was doing, that sounds just like him. It's really sad."
Petaluma police Sgt. Mark Hunter did not return messages yesterday. His agency is handling the officer-involved shooting investigation according to local law enforcement protocols.
In a press release, Hunter said the Sonoma County Sheriff's Department is investigating Williams' death as a homicide. A routine internal investigation is also being conducted into the shooting of Duncan by four veteran deputies, who remain on paid administrative leave.
An autopsy performed yesterday determined Duncan died as a result of an unspecified number of gunshots. Williams' death was initially shown to have been caused by a gunshot wound to the chest, but further ballistic investigation is to be done.
Carol Williams declined an interview request through Cook. Services are pending but are expected to be held at St. Rita Church in Fairfax. "

Copyright and permissions

The obituary from the Marin Independent Journal:

"
Rodney Clint Williams

Rodney Clint WilliamsBorn on June 30th, 1956, Rodney passed away on November 11th, 2004 at the age of 48. He was a resident of Forest Knolls, California.Rod was a sensitive loving man who adored his wife of 20 years and family. With his drive and ambition, he continually worked to improve his family's life. He was gregarious and his generosity knew no limits. His powerful presence and sense of values provided many young men with a strong role model.Lifetime Marin County resident, Rod went to Tam High School and graduated in 1974. He was a Track and Field, and football star. He then went into the Army (ROTC) after which he went to College of Marin and Santa Rosa Junior College studying Diagnostic Radiology. His career was primarily at University of San Francisco Medical Center. Rod was noted in "Who's Who" for his poetry and as a High School Scholar Athlete. He coached Little League and was an active Parent in the Lagunitas Open Class Room. He loved the outdoors and the country life.He is survived by his loving wife Carole and his children, Tyrone 26, Jason 25, Jordan 14, and Phoenix 6; brothers and sisters, Raymond Williams, Renee Williams, Royna Williams, Rhonda Williams Lee and Ross Williams and many nieces, nephews and cousins.Friends are invited to attend the Funeral Service on Thursday, November 18th, 2004 at 10:30 AM at St. Rita's Catholic Church, Fairfax, CA. A Visitation will be Wednesday, November 17th, 2004 between 1:00 PM and 5:00 PM, at Monte's Chapel of the Hills, 330 Redhill Avenue, San Anselmo, CA. A Vigil Service will be held Wednesday, November 17th, 2004 at 7:00 PM at St. Rita's Church, Fairfax, CA. Interment will be at Mount Olivet Cemetery, San Rafael, California.A reception is planned for 12:00 to 4 PM at the San Geronimo Valley Community Center, 6350 Sir Francis Drake Blvd. in the San Geronimo Valley.A Memorial Fund has been set up at:Washington MutualBon Air Plaza Financial Center401 Sir Francis Drake Blvd.Greenbrae, CA 94904Please make contributions payable to:The Carole Williams Family Fund"

Ugh

I still haven't been writing for a couple of reasons - first of all, I'm still not feeling completely resolved about the presidential election. I'm still a little depressed about that. But then, as if that hadn't been enough for a while, there have been a number of rough spots on the road these past couple of weeks.

I've been sick for a little over a week with a cold that has me all plugged up. I thought I caught it from Thomas but since he got it from me it must not have been the same virus. Of course when he gets it he gets asthma and that's always scary. It was rough. I want to get him the flu shot, but it's so hard to get this year, and I've been feeling guilty about taking one for him when there may be other children out there who need it more than he does and there is such a shortage. However, this asthma thing is really making me feel like I need to do this this year.

Next up my I've finally gotten to the point where I need to pay the piper where my car is concerned. I've been driving my car for the last 3 1/2 and have put next to nothing into it. I attribute part of this to luck and part of this to good judgement on the part of my father when he picked the car. So finally it's time to pay up - and the car needs about $1000+ worth of repairs. In addition to this I need to update my registration and make sure the car smogs, so at the end of the day all of this is going to cost $1500-$2000 over the next couple of months. It's very frustrating, but I can't deny that I'm due to pay this money - I've really gotten off easy over the last few years. The two biggest problems are the rear brakes which are non-existant and need to be rebuilt entirely and also something is wrong with the throttle and the car jerks all over the place while you are trying to drive down the street. It's very jarring and embarassing - a total ghetto cruiser. So I got it all diagnosed and we're going to get the throttle thing done this week and go from there. All of this is on top of the fact that Emmett's car is completely broken down, we definitely can't afford to fix BOTH cars right now and so we're totally dependent on my semi-broken down Jeep. So I've been taking the bus to work some nights and we've been trying to coordinate every day so that we both can get where we need to go. To be honest (when I'm not busy feeling sorry for myself overall haha) it works out okay and I think we could really manage with one car for a while if we needed to until we can gradually save the money to get all this resolved. And I want to do this one step at a time rather than jacking up a bunch of credit card debt.

Anyway, so there's the election and the car situation. Then the other night I got on the city bus going the wrong way and it took me 3 1/2 hours to finally get turned around and get back home. I was wiped out, crying and had blisters on my feet by the time I got home because I was wearing heels through all of this since I had dropped off a resume at Seton hospital. I hope that that is going to be the good thing when all of this turns around - that I'll get an interview there. It's a night shift job, two nights per week, Tuesday and Wednesday, 11pm-7:30am, which would work out really well since no weekends and also benefits. I could fill in with a couple of days a week at UC and things would be on at least a little bit better schedule. We'll just have to wait and see.

I'm so tired right now and I still need to go out and put the clothes on the line outside. Did I mention that the dryer broke? I'm telling you it's one thing after another right now....

I worked last night. I guess I've been sort of putting off the most difficult thing till the last. I work with this guy Rodney, who is an xray technician in our department. He's a super friendly guy and we've had countless conversations about our lives and stuff. I probably know him better than anyone else at U.C. Anyway, Wednesday night he was shot and killed by his brother-in-law. Apparently his brother-in-law had a psychotic breakdown of some kind. It's in this morning's paper, although the names still aren't there yet.
http://www.marinij.com/Stories/0,1413,234~24407~2530528,00.html#
It was in the Chronicle as well, but I think there was a problem with their reporting because their headline didn't fit with the rest of the story - so this one seems a bit more clear. I'm just feeling in shock. I can't believe he's gone. I'm so sad for his wife and family. They've been married for 20 years and have two kids, the youngest is 5 years old. God, he loved that little girl. He also was very much in love with his wife, even after all those years. She had recently lost 100 lbs and he brought over all the pictures she had taken to show them off. What else can I say? I'm just so shocked and sad. I am keeping my eyes open for news of a service, I'm hoping that I can go with a couple of my coworkers. I just want to say goodbye. He was really nice to me, especially in the beginning when I was feeling so shy and overwhelmed in that whole huge place not knowing anyone.


Ahhh well. It will be good to get back to a time when I can just write good stuff about Tommy and our family events. I was hoping to get back to that days ago, but it looks like it's going to be a couple more days at this point.

Time for some prayers.

Take care,
With love,
Melissa

P.S. I'm done

I realize that I've strayed from the point of this blog, which is to document our family life and events. The election results have taken over the lives of our home and city and it's been pretty hard to focus on anything else.

Certainly this election has been a huge family event, but it's time to put this behind us and move forward. We definitely need to be more politically active as a family, but for now it's important to just get back to the day to day living.

I still plan to finish my essay on religion and politics, but that will be posted retroactively since I started it several days ago.

So, starting here, I'm focusing on getting back to normal. If my political viewpoints are different than yours and these last few posts have been difficult to read, let's take a deep breath, agree to disagree and move forward.

More later, when Tommy is napping...

Dylan

Masters of War
by Bob Dylan

Come you masters of war
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build the big bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks

You that never done nothin'
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly

Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain

You fasten the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion
As young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud

You've thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins

How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I'm young
You might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know
Though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul

And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand o'er your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead

Craig's List Election Excerpts

This isn't really a blog, but I want to preserve some of what I've felt over the last week to look back one day and view it from a historical perspective.

Of course there were some great posts this week on CR.

This may go against my "Christians for Kerry" theme, but I'm human and I get angry, too. Moreover, I think it's interesting to historically document some of the reactions to this. The anger following this election. Our country is so divided right now. It's scary. I don't envy the task Mr. Bush has in front of him trying to unify a county that is so passionately divided. The passages I've included are definitely liberal leaning (duh), but I've also included some other independents and any view point which was truly thought-provoking.


WARNING: SOME OF THESE MAY BE OFFENSIVE AND/OR CONTAIN FOUL LANGUAGE AND/OR SEXUAL THEMES



"Reduced to the basic facts, Jesus was a liberal, killed by conservatives for his liberal views - simple as that.

feed the hungry
heal the sick
shelter the poor

why is that so bad?"

"JESUS WAS A LIBERAL
Jesus stood up against the ruling party in his day. He worked on the sabath.
Jesus saved the poor. He was an honest hard working man of the earth,
Jesus was a teacher and not fighter.
Jesus died for his beliefs, and so will we"

"I'm a registered independent, leaning a bit more libertarian than democrat, but in more agreement with some social policies of republicans than democrats (if I have to choose). I voted for Bush. I've never posted here and I probably shouldn't since it seems I'm likely to just get a bunch of hate-filled replies from all sides. But I don't hate liberals and I don't hate dems and it definitely hurts to see so much hate from both sides.
But to answer your question, I really don't believe that most people who voted for Bush believe Saddam had anything directly to do with 9/11. I think most people believe that after 9/11, a new attitude had to be adopted toward anyone who poses any threat to the security of US citizens and American/Euro democracy. Saddam had a history of refusing to "world police" like the UN and playing games with the US after surrendering in the Kuwait fiasco. Add to that the a little genocide of his own people and you find little disagreement that he should be taken out. And yes, we know there are other area of genocide but this one happens to seem a) more of a threat, b) there is the involvement of oil [ which the "free world" relies on to keep operating no matter how disgusting that fact is, c) he is an incomplete project from earlier and, d) he is a relatively easy target (compared to warfare with a serious risk of nuclear weapons -- like North Korea).
Contrary to the occasional yahoo "conservative", I don't believe the majority of Bush voters like war or want war, but they also don't want our government to stand back and be pushed around by Germany, Russia or France when it comes to taking action. The UN issued plenty of ultimatums, but refused to follow through -- and if that isn't the truth, it was the perception.
While there has been no shortage of hate toward the Dems (especially during the Clinton years), I ultimately believe that it was the sort of hatred spread by Michael Moore that won the election for Bush. Fahrenheit 9/11 makes the president look like a dunce who does nothing but vacation. But anybody could make a film of a lot of people on craigslist and make it look like all they do is jerk off and watch reality TV show all day. So what? It was so hate-filled and so propaganda-ish that I think it just turned everybody off. Even if he was right on a lot of things. Another thing was the continual line of "Bush is sending our children to die for oil". It's insulting on several levels, including the fact that all of our soldiers are volunteers and adults and calling them "children" comes across like grown men are just poor little sheep being lead by some evil kindegarten teacher to their death.
Another point is just calling people "stupid" and belittling people for their religious beliefs. Looks at Moore's website right now. He's got "JesusLand" marked on the map. So that means that if I believe in Jesus, then I'm a backwards idiot? I'm not Christian but I don't go around spitting in their faces and belittling them just because I have different beliefs!
I don't know what the answer is to all of this. But more Michael Moore-type behavior (and goose-stepping obedience and repetition of the unreasonable hate and anger) is only polarizing and creating more people becoming even more passionate about voting against any Dem for anything.
Are there any non-militant dems out there who can at least understand (even if they disagree with) what I'm saying, or am I just too much of a sell-out to even both talking to? "


"Another thing that is really bugging me is that the Evangelicals have seemingly usurped not only the Republican Party but also the entire Christian faith. I believe in the TEACHINGS of Jesus, but I refuse to call myself a Christian any longer as it appears that word has been taken over by the religious right. I believe in feed the hungry, clothe the naked, be concerned for the welfare of prisoners. I believe in praying in the privacy of your soul, not standing on street corners and before congregations of thousands trumpeting your righteousness and moral superiority. I believe that if churches are going to be essentially PACs for the Republican Party, they should be taxed and regulated. I believe in the separation of church and state."

From New York:
The Morning After
"...You should have listened to New York America. We were the ones hit hardest by 9/11. And we could have told you, in fact DID tell you all night last night as you were eyeing him across the room not to do it, that he was a prick and a liar, and would most likely just steal from your purse to buy some coke, fuck you and leave you worse off than you already were. But like a woman with an abusive husband, America fell for the lies, fell for the promises that things are going to get better, that he only abuses us because he really loves us (and God forbid, that Jesus told him to do it). America fell for the bullshit. And now, she's on the way home. Sore, tired, and with considerably less self respect than she had yesterday. I don't know what the future holds. but after a night like last night spent with a dirty prick like Him, you have no idea what manner of political genital warts you may have contracted, no idea what might be lying latent just waiting to pop up and threaten your safety, your way of life, your well being. I mean, there are plenty of other countries out there to start a war with! and I'm willing to bet that none of those we choose will be home to Osama Bin Laden (who was that again? oh yeah, the guy we were supposed to find 4 years ago. But again, I digress.) So, my fellow Democrats, we weep. Let's be big about it though. It's over. Lets get back to watching him destroy the country, the economy, our status in the world, our Constitutional rights. Because in 4 years (Provided we're all still here) we can look all of our fellow Americans who just HAPPENED to have voted for him (because, like our slutty friends who take one night stands with abusive men, we can always forgive our fellow americans) in the face and say "Hey, I Told You So". Cold comfort, but the asshole in me sees it as the best I can hope for right now. And Shame on You America. You let yourself be used. Get your ass home, take a shower, and put on the hap-hap-happiest fucking face you can. Cause Tomorrow you have to face the world, and they ALL know what you did last night. "

"all day i felt like i had broken up with someone. i fell asleep with the remote in my hand listening to the news reporting votes. i woke up unable to even look at newspaper headlines or look at cnn. i saw a headline while walking up the steps to my job "undecided". i felt hope. we gathered around the television to listen to kerry and edwards admit defeat, no fighting where the finally couldve...this wasnt al gore. fuck you kerry if you think that i am going to help you out next time. get a fucking democrat with some motherfucking balls..or at least one. i cried while watching him speak/give up. i fucking cried. and the expression on bush's face makes me want to ram my fucking foot down his throat. that fucking smirk on his shiny monkey face he has that look like a guy gives a girl “oh, wrong hole.” get ready to be fucked in the ass for four more years honey. i want president bush to have an underwear nightmare in front of the entire world. i want someone to catch him gloating about all of the inbred misinformed poor people that voted for him. i want a fucking movie moment. i want to storm the whitehouse.
my mother and her political partners didn’t risk their fucking lives year after year just to relive some of this shit. my uncle didn’t go to vietnam and come back only to be abused for fighting and then for fighting against the war. i didn’t sit on my godmother hip while she had her head bashed in by police for workers rights for nothing. i was covered in blood at age 6 because my family and friends were fighting to make your lives better. my parents sacrified my fucking childhood so hundreds of other kids wouldn’t have to suffer. i wouldn’t have ever said that i wanted to take that all back but i if i could, i would because you didn’t deserve it. ive pulled glass out of my fathers skin, ive watched dozens of people be beaten down by people in uniform. i had rocks thrown at my house because we fought against the klan. i hid for more that 9 hours in an attic unable to speak because my family and friends fought against shit like this. ive had nightmares for years because my family fought your battles. during the gulf war i watched as one of my indian friends got his ass kicked because they thought that he was an “irakee”. FUCK YOU for voting for a goddamn terrorist. you rehired a sadist fuck who only cares if oil is thicker than your blood. you havent fought for a fucking thing in your life if you voted for bush. when you vote republican its like pretending that you are a millionaire. FUCK TAXES? who the fuck is going to pay for your ebt or wic? fuck abortion? how many more fucking babies are you going to crowd into your house? what house? screw housing developments! fuck healthcare? see who is gonna take care of you when you are drooling all over yourself. fuck you because all those fucking babies that you couldnt afford to have in the first place are the first ones that are going to war every time because to bush and the rest of the world thinks your sons life is trash. by voting for bush you are setting your children up to be killed. you think bush is pro-life? what trimester is your 18 year old son going to be in when they take his ass over to some oil soaked country just to use him as bait? you think that 9/11 was it? you fucking watch how much more pissed off everyone else is now that we have this fucking asshole as president again. no one is going to bomb motherfucking ohio. no one is going to attack idaho. doesnt it say anything to you that kerry won ny? that kerry won washington d.c and pennsylvania? the very states that were actually attacked? and you are fucking scared sitting your fucking trailer drinking your goddamn coors talking "them immigrants taking all the jobs." no one would even waste throwing a rock at your fucking trashy trashed ass. you think bush is going to take care of you? you think hes gonna actually defend you? maybe bush will be real nice and ask his friend ken lay to give you a fucking job. when your foodstamps are gone and you are pissing all over yourself on the corner of a street without disability or a fucking pension i will smile in your face. i will lean really close to you and mouth the words "i told you so." "

Election Blues

I haven't written in a while because it's been a pretty tough week here, both at home and work. It's been a pretty somber mood since last Tuesday's elections. I guess the good news is that I'm in good company here since Bush obtained only 16% of the vote here in San Francisco county. The only real surprise is that there were actually 41,000 people here who DID vote for him. It's very sad for our country. It's so easy retrospectively to look at what went wrong, but I think there are several main problems, the first of which is that "middle America" doesn't travel outside of the United States and don't completely understand the hatred that's brewing out there towards us. Not just in the middle east, but particularly in Europe, and those are the people who are supposed to be our allies. We are isolating ourselves in a way that is more dangerous than people realize. Throughout history every great empire has fallen and I'm very afraid that we are next. The whole world hates us, our own country is divided virtually in half over politics/religion, and 43% of our nations privately held debt is in the hands of foreign investors (a dangerous place to be). Our once great nation is stained with the blood of at least 14,238 Iraqi CIVILIANS Iraqbodycount.net. (BTW, for those that question how they arrived at that number: "This is an independent and comprehensive public database of media-reported civilian deaths in Iraq resulting directly from military action by the USA and its allies. This database includes up to 7,350 deaths which resulted from coalition military action during the "major-combat" phase prior to May 1st 2003. In the current occupation phase the database includes all deaths which the Occupying Authority has a binding responsibility to prevent under the Geneva Conventions and Hague Regulations. This includes civilian deaths resulting from the breakdown in law and order, and deaths due to inadequate health care or sanitation.").

I think it is more than a little bit ironic that Mr. Bush calls himself a "Christian" and won the election apparently because of the support of Christian groups. The world is a crazy place and, as you can see, all of this is making me very depressed. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that this devil that we have appointed as our leader is going to make our nation vulnerable to an attack that will make 9/11 look small, an attack that could threaten our very way of life. We think because we are Americans that we are infallible. We are not. China is a much larger nation than we are with a growing economy. Korea has nuclear weapons and despises us. I want to write a more detailed, organized essay about my feelings on all of this and about politics and religion. One good thing that all of this has done is stir up a lot of my feelings about faith. I have been praying a LOT. It gives me peace because the answers that come to me when I pray are so strong and so comforting. It is a time for action.

I have been reading Revelations in three different versions of the Bible. I know that Biblical scholars basically dismiss this chapter as it was written by someone who was a known lunatic (and the imagery in it certain supports that - it's so bizarre and dark) but there's so much there that resonates with me right now. I know that there have been many dark times in history, but this is the darkest of my lifetime so it's all I have to relate to. It terrifies me that Bush calls himself a Christian. It's not just that he started a war on a nation that was NO threat to us whatsoever, it's that he did it with RELISH. The passion, the gleam in his eyes when he talked about going to war with Iraq is beyond creepy. My 90-year-old Grandmother, who had been a Republican for her entire life, can't look at him on tv because she says there is something about him that is very very bad.

Emmett thinks that I'm going too far, that my post-election blues is making me a little bit crazy. That's part of why I'm trying to write all this down so that I can look back later and decide if I went a bit off my rocker. Maybe saying that Bush is evil is going a bit far. Emmett believes he is just misguided by the people around him. But it did spark an AWESOME conversation about religion tonight with Emmett and I. So often I forget how knowledgeable he is about Christianity and the Bible. I forget that he has 11 years of Christian education, including 4 years of private Catholic boys high school and 4 years of private Catholic university. People in my life before used to dismiss anything I said about my faith because I didn't have the education to back it up. But now talking with Emmett about these things, who has such a strong knowledge base, I felt validated for the first time. I'm saving elaborating on all of that for my later essay on politics and religion, but suffice to say, it felt really good. I feel much more confident that I WILL be able to write about my thoughts on the subject and not come off as a complete idiot. It is not only possible to be a liberal democrat and be a Christian, it is, in many ways, a clear path. I was able to ask him questions and right away he knew the answers and also knew where to go in the Bible to read the answers to me when he didn't want to paraphrase. His memory is incredible. Combined with all of the education he has had and all the reading he does now, he's just so knowledgeable. He is truly brilliant. And so good. He can be so crusty at times, but his heart is pure gold. I sound like a lovesick schoolgirl, haha. I guess it just strikes me sometimes how fortunate I am to have him in my life.

Speaking of which, now that his LSAT scores have been officially posted, the solicitations from the law schools have started rolling in. He actually got an invitation to apply to Columbia. In fact, they were so interested in getting him to apply that they waived all of the application fees. He's convinced he won't get in because his undergraduate grade point average isn't high enough to get into one of the best law schools in the country (#4 after Yale, Harvard, and Stanford), but I told him it's crazy NOT to apply when it's completely free! If he doesn't get in we haven't lost anything and if by some chance he does, he will be able to write his own ticket when he gets out of law school. It would be so wonderful to see all of that intelligence put to work doing good things for people. I know that for the short term he will have to practice icky corporate law so that we can get ahead financially, but eventually I want to see him doing what he really wants to do practicing environmental law and protecting the earth. He's going to be such an awesome attorney - his mind is so quick and he's an eloquent speaker. I've always been a pretty good fighter, so it stuns me how fast he can best me in an argument sometimes. I can't wait to see all the good things he is going to do.

Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do with my own potential. Arrrgh. I want to try to start my own business again, but I still haven't figured out what I want to do, my mind is just blank on ideas right now. On the other hand, if I can get through nursing school I would really love (after my child or children are grown up) to be part of medical teams going to developing countries and providing care in places where they have no access to healthcare. I think that is the perfect combination of my love for travel and my need to help others and do charitable work. I miss my volunteer work as a crisis counselor. They have been calling me, but I'm just not confident that my car would make it all the way to San Jose and back right now. Besides which, I'm just too short on time at the moment. Still - I may call them and volunteer to take some shifts if they will let me do them from home.

I'd like to write some about Tommy, but I think I'll post that separately. It doesn't seem to go along with most of the theme of this post. My mind keeps coming back to the war and the election.

I found a web site that had some of my favorite Clancy Brothers music and was really excited to be able to download it. I was listening to the song "Willie McBride" which is also known as "No Man's Land" or "Green Fields of France". It's such a sad song. I'm reprinting the lyrics here because it resonates so much with me. The lyrics alone are powerful enough, but when it's coupled with this mournful pipe music and that lilting Irish voice - well, I usually have tears pouring down my face before the second verse and it's definitely the last two verses that pack the biggest punch.

NO MAN'S LAND(Eric Bogle)

Well, how do you do, Private William McBride,
Do you mind if I sit down here by your graveside?
And rest for awhile in the warm summer sun,
I've been walking all day, and I'm nearly done.
And I see by your gravestone you were only 19
When you joined the glorious fallen in 1916,
Well, I hope you died quick and I hope you died clean
Or, Willie McBride, was it slow and obscene?

chorus: Did they Beat the drum slowly,
did they play the pipes lowly?
Did the rifles fire o'er you as they lowered you down?
Did the bugles sound The Last Post in chorus?
Did the pipes play the Flowers of the Forest?

And did you leave a wife or a sweetheart behind
In some loyal heart is your memory enshrined?
And, though you died back in 1916,
To that loyal heart are you always 19?
Or are you a stranger without even a name,
Forever enshrined behind some glass pane,
In an old photograph, torn and tattered and stained,
And fading to yellow in a brown leather frame?

The sun's shining down on these green fields of France;
The warm wind blows gently, and the red poppies dance.
The trenches have vanished long under the plow;
No gas and no barbed wire, no guns firing now.
But here in this graveyard that's still No Man's Land
The countless white crosses in mute witness stand
To man's blind indifference to his fellow man.
And a whole generation who were butchered and damned.

And I can't help but wonder, now Willie McBride,
Do all those who lie here know why they died?
Did you really believe them when they told you "The Cause?"
Did you really believe that this war would end wars?
Well the suffering, the sorrow, the glory, the shame
The killing, the dying, it was all done in vain,
For Willie McBride, it all happened again,
And again, and again, and again, and again...

Copyright Larrikin Music, Ltd.

To hear a snippet of the song : http://www.emusic.com/album/10587/10587028.html

Well, I guess that's enough for now. I have so much to say that I hardly know where to start and stop, but I think that's enough for now.

II pray that Christian people will look to the teachings of Jesus and pratice more giving, more forgiving, more loving. I pray for a day when Christianity is practiced in the way that reflects the things that Jesus taught us. There is so much out there right now that is being called Christian that is twisted. It is vengeful and destructive. Forgive me when I fall down and make judgements on others, when I am greedy, when I am angry, when I am proud. Help me to be the best person that I can be and the best Mother that I can be to lead Thomas on a path of goodness and gentleness. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.


Love,
Melissa

Religion and Politics

I have been so negligent with this blog lately...it's been really hard for me to carve out the time when working night shift. When I get home in the morning I'm too tired to write and by the time I wake up the boys are coming home and the rest of the evening I'm focused on them.

However, this week I have purposely avoided writing. As you can imagine, the mood in my household since the election has been somber. I know that I have friends and family who hold different viewpoints than my own and I don't want to offend or alienate people that I care about. So I have waited until the initial emotions have passed. I debated about writing on these topics at all. In the end I have decided to write this primarily for three reasons: 1. I want Thomas to have a documentation someday of how and why I feel the way I do right now. 2. I wonder how history will later show todays events and where my viewpoints will fit into that. I may change radically in the next 30 years (who knows?) and it may be interesting to look back and see who I was in 2004. 3. This stuff has been bouncing around in my brain all week and I just want to get it out and move on.

So, with those things in mind I write the following disclaimer:

THIS ENTRY CONTAINS EDITORIAL COMMENTS ON POLITICS AND RELIGION. I WILL WRITE MORE ABOUT OUR FAMILY IN LATER POSTS, BUT THIS ONE IS DEVOTED TO THOSE TOPICS. I AM A LIBERAL DEMOCRAT AND A CHRISTIAN WHOSE OPINIONS (AS YOU MIGHT GUESS) DIFFER GREATLY FROM THOSE EXPRESSED BY CHRISTIANS IN THE MEDIA. IF YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE OFFENDED BY THESE VIEWS, PLEASE STOP HERE. ALSO, ALTHOUGH I WELCOME COMMENTS, I AM NOT WRITING THIS TO ATTACK ANYONE OR ELICIT A DEBATE SO PLEASE BE KIND. I RESPECT EVERYONE'S RIGHT TO AN OPINION, PLEASE ALSO RESPECT MINE.




Okay, enough caps. You have been warned. ;-)


I'm going to start with what I imagine is the more controversial of the two aforementiond topics: religion.

I find it so strange that so many Christians embrace the Republican platform. It seems to me that there are so many viewpoints there that are not at all Christian. Yet, I must admit I was forced to examine these things when Bush won this election. I stopped and tried very hard to look at the other side. I considered that I may be wrong. Am I looking at all of this in the wrong way? Am I being led astray - tempted and influenced to embrace viewpoints that are against God? For many years my religious viewpoints were invalidated by my ex and his family because I did not have the religious education and background that they did. They tolerated my viewpoints with a pat on the head and an attitude of, poor thing, she only feels that way because she is ignorant. To this day I retain some feelings that because I didn't go to religion-based private schools, I don't have a right to have an opinion about Christianity. But I do. And I think that, at this point, I have been to church enough, taken enough classes, read enough, LIVED enough, to have a VALID opinion on the subject and what it means to me. Of course, those who believe differently will use whatever they have to to invalidate my viewpoints. One thing I've learned in life is that people are resistant to change and even if I somehow manage to present some very valid points, it is unlikely that anyone is going to suddenly change their mind about the issues because of something that I've said.

Besides all of this, I think that education about Christianity only goes so far. It doesn't take a four-year degree to understand the basic principles of Christianity. The messages are really pretty simple. Originally I was going to write this and back up all of my statements with quotes from the Bible (and it was extremely simple to do so - it took me about 3-5 minutes to do it). But then I realized that that's part of the way that Christian people are being misled in the first place and it doesn't make sense for me to perpetuate that. It's so typical. It works like this: write your opinion and then find some quotation in the Bible that will support your opinion. It's not that hard, believe me. You can page through your Bible and find all kinds of statements, extract them from the context in which they were written and suddenly your opinion has been validated by the Holy Book. Not only that but because you can quote the Bible, you are now an 'expert' on the subject. I used to fall for this a lot because I knew so little about the Bible and also about critical thinking.

The thing is that if you take a step back, go back to basics and use common sense it's so easy to live a Christian life, that is, a life that is complimentary to the values that are expressed in the Bible. Well, it's NOT easy, but it's easy to *understand* what you should do. And that is the basic principle that is behind my argument that, in fact, liberal politics are much more in line with Christian values.

It disturbs me the way that some Christian groups manipulate the Bible and twist in themes in such a way that it excuses, even EMBRACES, viewpoints that are so clearly not Christian. I'll give a couple of examples:

If you win the lottery the truly Christian thing to do is to use 100% of that money to do charitable works. This doesn't mean that you give it all to the United Way. Instead, shed your home, your car and all of your material possessions and personally divest yourself of all that wealth such that it benefits that Common sense tells us that materialism is evil. It's part of the 10 Commandments - which, I would think, most Christians accept as being the basic outline for living. In spite of them having come from the old testament, I do not think there is anything in the new testament that overrides those basic guidelines for 'clean living'. But a Christian needs to look no further than Christ's lifestyle to confirm the truth: yes, poverty is holy. Yet the word poverty has come to have so many negative connotations in our society that we look down at the poor and defend our desire to not live that lifestyle. We are all human and part of being human is that we like nice things. We defend our choice for buying a new car by saying that we *need* it to keep our children safe. Yet we are not completely honest with ourselves. One cannot deny that there is a pleasure in bringing home a new vehicle that has nothing to do with safe children. New car smell, the smoothness of the ride, the new 5-disc CD changer, whatever. I can come up with hundreds of similar examples, but here is the basic point I am trying to make: It is okay to be human, we make mistakes, we are tempted by material pleasures, it's natural, it's normal to want to live a more comfortable life. The problem arises when we try to find a way to sanction this, to say that in some way it is pleasing to God that you have bought a new car. I'm sorry, but it's not.







Revelation 13The Beast from the Sea1And the Dragon stood on the shore of the sea. I saw a Beast rising from the sea. It had ten horns and seven heads--on each horn a crown, and each head inscribed with a blasphemous name. 2The Beast I saw looked like a leopard with bear paws and a lion's mouth. The Dragon turned over its power to it, its throne and great authority.3One of the Beast's heads looked as if it had been struck a deathblow, and then healed. The whole earth was agog, gaping at the Beast. 4They worshiped the Dragon who gave the Beast authority, and they worshiped the Beast, exclaiming, "There's never been anything like the Beast! No one would dare go to war with the Beast!"5The Beast had a loud mouth, boastful and blasphemous. It could do anything it wanted for forty-two months. 6It yelled blasphemies against God, blasphemed his Name, blasphemed his Church, especially those already dwelling with God in Heaven. 7It was permitted to make war on God's holy people and conquer them. It held absolute sway over all tribes and peoples, tongues and races. 8Everyone on earth whose name was not written from the world's foundation in the slaughtered Lamb's Book of Life will worship the Beast.9Are you listening to this? 10They've made their bed; now they must lie in it. Anyone marked for prison goes straight to prison; anyone pulling a sword goes down by the sword. Meanwhile, God's holy people passionately and faithfully stand their ground.The Beast from Under the Ground11I saw another Beast rising out of the ground. It had two horns like a lamb but sounded like a dragon when it spoke. 12It was a puppet of the first Beast, made earth and everyone in it worship the first Beast, which had been healed of its deathblow.13This second Beast worked magical signs, dazzling people by making fire come down from Heaven. 14It used the magic it got from the Beast to dupe earth dwellers, getting them to make an image of the Beast that received the deathblow and lived. 15It was able to animate the image of the Beast so that it talked, and then arrange that anyone not worshiping the Beast would be killed. 16It forced all people, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to have a mark on the right hand or forehead. 17Without the mark of the name of the Beast or the number of its name, it was impossible to buy or sell anything.18Solve a riddle: Put your heads together and figure out the meaning of the number of the Beast. It's a human number: six hundred sixty-six.


I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty, (but thou art rich) and I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan. Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer . . . be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life. . . . Behold, I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee. Revelation 2:9-10, 3:9.