Another hit to the team

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm going to be Hercules someday, I swear it. haha
I hate to sound negative, but I suppose this is as good a sounding board as any. I just feel worn out and tired of fighting against all the stress. I suppose yesterdays stresser shouldn't be that big of a deal in the grand scheme, but it sure felt (and continues to feel) like a huge blow. It seems our landlord is considering selling our house. I *know* that we'll find something else and that everything will work out okay in the end, but it just feels so awful, like there's nothing in my life that I can count on to be stable anymore. I guess it's sort of a twist and irony that I once ran like hell away from anything that represented stability, wanting excitement, but jeez, that was half a decade ago and now I have a child to care for and I want to give him a stable and secure environment to start life in and three different homes in the first 2 years of his life is not exactly what I had in mind. I guess we're just going to take things as they come and deal with one thing at a time. Hopefully they will make a decision in the next month or so and by that time I'll have figured out my job situation and feel more able to consider a move. I don't know. This whole thing happened at 2:30pm yesterday just as I was trying to get ready and go to work, and it really threw me for a loop. I was 45 minutes late to work and then I was too upset to stay. I just couldn't be sharp enough for the demands of the ER yesterday. It was everything I could do to keep from crying at any given moment. Finally, one of my coworkers took pity on me and agreed to come in so that I could go home and I left at 7:45 last night. So I only ended up working a total of 3 hours. Ohhh well, I still feel pretty raw and now we have an inspection on Friday so I'm not sure if I'll end up going in today or not. I haven't called in sick in a long time so I think it will be okay. I need to get away, do something to undo this knot in my stomach that just won't go away. I have started getting stress headaches and feel like I'm at the end of my rope. It feels good to get all of this out. I know I'll be okay, but some days I get tired of fighting the good fight.

Prior to that disaster yesterday things were going okay. I had a GREAT workout at the gym, Thomas really enjoyed himself at childwatch, and afterwards we managed to get some errands done like getting the dog's food and flea meds and also getting me fitted for a new pair of running shoes. I've been eating a little bit better, but still too much food, especially now with the working out so I will need to work on appetite control.

Thomas had an okay day yesterday - the only problem with the gym workouts is that it means that he's in childwatch for an hour and then some days later on in daycare for another few hours which makes me feel bad, but I'm working so much right now that it would be really hard to only work out on days that I'm not working to avoid that situation. I think the answer is just to focus on making sure I spend a little bit more time with him one on one each day. I've been trying to be really good in the mornings about taking my time through the waking up process. The first thing he always wants to do is read his "Goodnight Moon" book, which is a little backwards, but hey, who am I to tell him he can't do things backwards? haha Anyway, I read his book to him and then he seems ready to have his diaper changed (really must do more work on potty training) and after that I can entice him downstairs by telling him Elmo is going to be on. One thing about Thomas that amazes me (I almost forgot to mention this) is that he is so much easier about letting go of things than I expect him to be. When he has a toy and I tell him he has to leave it, most times he will just set it down and wave "bye bye". It's really strange. I noticed it this morning with the book that he was carrying around - when it was time to go downstairs I said you have to leave the book up here, that's an upstairs book. And he set the book down and said, "bye bye book". I was pretty surprised. Yesterday at childwatch it was the same thing. They have these rubbery animal figures and Thomas LOVES the lions (or 'yions' as he calls them). He was carrying them everywhere with him and went for them as soon as he walked in the door yesterday. When I came to pick him up he was ready to go and ran for the door, but he still had the lions. So I said, "no, you have to leave the lions here. They can't go home with us." And he set the lions down and said "bye bye yions". It really pulled at my heartstrings. He can be such a devil at times and then such a little angel at others. I guess that's just being a normal kid.

Well, better run, 10 more minutes before Teletubbies is over (we haven't done as well the last two days with eliminating the TV watching, but at least we're down to 45 minutes of screen time per day) and I need to put some clothes on so we can get moving.

Love and hugs,
Melissa