State of the Moment

It's funny. I've only been writing in the blog on a regular basis for a couple of weeks but it seems to have become such a habit to document what's happening that I find I really miss it when I can't blog for a long time. I think it kind of helps me to just let go of a day in general and look forward to what's going to happen next. A bit hard to articulate, but I'm really enjoying. The added motivation of knowing how much this means to my grandmother to be able to keep in touch with Tommy and our lives in this way (she lives in Florida, so I only get to see her a few times a year and it's hard for her to talk on the phone because she has hearing loss) makes it even more important to maintain.

And so...I haven't written in a week and I've been in total withdrawal. I've been blogging in my mind, trying to keep thoughts organized, but at this point it's pretty well impossible so I'll just recap the last nine days the best that I can and then get back on track this week.

I'm writing this on the night shift. I worked from 8am-4pm yesterday (Tuesday), went home for 8 hours, and came back at midnight to work till 8am. Sound crazy? I'm sure it does - but I couldn't resist. First, it was night registration which is MUCH easier than working as the night unit coordinator - pretty much 6 or 6 1/2 hours of web surfing and 1 1/2 to 2 hours of actual work. I can use the break and I was really looking forward to the opportunity to catch up on the blog. Additionally, this shift will pay $26 more than working day shift tomorrow would pay, so it's worth it. I'll catch up on sleep tomorrow. Hopefully I can get my ducks in a row early enough tomorrow to be able to pick up Thomas a little early from daycare so that I can spend some quality time with him. He's been really needy for his Momma lately and it makes me feel really bad to be working so much. My schedule lately has been pretty good for the family, but hasn't been so good for having one on one time with Thomas. The reason for this is that I've been working more during the week and less on the weekend. It's a good thing, I really love having the time for all three of us on the weekend, but it's definitely had an impact on my time with Thomas. Also, my efforts to go to the gym don't help either. When I work the evening shift (4pm-12am), we would normally have some time together, but when I go to the gym it really eats that time up. I don't know what the answer is. I have to work. It seems the demands on my income get greater and greater and we are still not really getting ahead. I also want very much to get in better shape and get some of this weight off because it makes me feel really bad about myself to be this big. But perhaps more important than anything I want to be a good mother to Thomas and give him what he needs, lots of time and attention and nurturing. It's so incredibly hard to balance the demands of the family (finances), the demands of Thomas, and still have a few hours left over for myself to go to the gym each week. I guess I'll just have to keep trying to work it out and maybe reallocate the time a little better.

The work situation is pretty much the same as always. I am still extremely interested in getting a position that will offer benefits but have pretty much decided not to go full time at my current job. Four days per week seems like too many right now. I am just not going to be able to manage 5 days per week. It's too much. This means that I will have to work a little harder to find something else. I am still saying a prayer that this job in OB will be a possibility, but if not, I need to start lining up some alternatives. It's tough to break out of the comfort zone, to be super motivated to find another job when the one I have is not bad. I really am getting to an age where I need to have reasonable medical coverage, I'd like to be sure I'm taken care of if I get sick, and I'd like to actually get paid for taking a vacation one of these days. Moreover, I know that the irregularity of my schedule really wears on Emmett since he's such a schedule guy. In the beginning it was one of the things that I liked about this job, but even I'm starting to get ready for a regular schedule so I can make plans from one week to the next.

I did get a 38 cent raise, which, while not dramatic, certainly helps. The good news is that it seems the raise will be retroactive to Jan. 1, which means we will get fairly large bonus checks for all those wages. Yay! That will help us to finance both our trip to Florida and maybe allow me to buy Emmett a birthday present this year.

I'm so glad now that we didn't end up moving. I think that knowing that we don't HAVE to move means that for the moment we should not move. We are discussing my education and there is a possibility we will move into a small apartment so that I can go to school without having to work so much. A lot of that may depend on what kind of job I end up with, we'll see. The nursing programs here are so impacted it's unbelievable. I know there is a very good possibility that it will get much worse and not better, but now I'm back to thinking I should go on and finish my BA and then work on the prerequisites for my nursing program. I went to add the microbiology class and there were more people trying to add than what were actually registered for the class. It was really unbelievable. The hallways were jam-packed for all the biology classes, you couldn't get near them. I found that to be pretty disheartening so I'm taking some time to reevaluate what direction I want to go in. Then, of course, there's the ongoing issue of what will happen with our family - to get married or not get married? To have another baby? Both? Neither? What about Emmett's law school? Does it make sense for me to finish up my BA and then have him go to law school and after he finishes that then I go to nursing school? So many questions, but not nearly so many answers right now. In time it will all come clear. For now I am going to try to get paperwork ready for both potential educational paths for me. Some of the education decision process definitely hinges on what is decided about another baby. If we decide to try for another one, then we will need to start preparing for that now and working in that direction, which means pressing forward with school, etc. If we decide not to have any more, then the only important thing for the next couple of years is staying focused on Thomas as much as possible and doing things that require me to be away from him the least amount possible if that makes sense. :-)

ahhh well, that's enough of this state of moment address. I'll start to do a little recap now...

Love,
Melissa